Sometimes I can be a worryaholic. I can be addicted to worrying especially when
life doesn't seem to go the way I planned.
I am very tempted to worry. It can be paralyzing. Recently I was diagnosed with secondary
infertility. When I was first received the diagnosis I felt relieved to get a name for why a
year had gone by and I still was not conceiving. I was asked by my doctor to research it
further as well as the Billings Method to get to know my own fertility so I could try for a
baby with more accuracy. She like other doctors did not believe my situation
was hopeless. There is still a very good chance I can conceive again. The fact that I have
fallen pregnant 4 times and carried two if those pregnancies to full term is a positive for me.
A week and a half or so went by before I really looked into my new diagnosis further.
Honestly I think I was in denial. Plus I was busy finishing up term 2 of homeschooling and
getting it all handed in on time. I handed Micah's work in early when his teacher visited.
The very next day I finally sat down and googled both subjects. Then it hit me. Like a ton
of bricks. The grief and the disappointment washed over me. I rang one of my closest
friend's Janene and balled my eyes out to her. I knew I could not carry this load alone. My
heart still feels heavy after the 2 miscarriages and it is hard to face another heartache.
Sometimes I feel so torn. Do I really want more kids ?? I feel pretty stressed at times with
the 2 that I have. AS much as I love them and my heart longs for more children it is hard
work homechooling ! It is going well and Micah is literally a straight A student. But it is a
lot of work to manage homeschooling, housework, cooking, extra curricular activities that
help with socialisation for me and the kids. I have learned if I stay at home with the kids
alone for more than 2 days I go LOOPY! I get down, introspective and stressed.
We are also trying to save to return to the USA for a vacation to visit family and friends the
end of this year or early next year. Flight prices are NOT cheap for an International flight!
They are looking near $2,000 a ticket !! SO for our family's current size it is up to $8,000 a
flight. YIKES!
I could feel myself beginning to panic. So I decided to take a shower while the kids were
content. In the shower I threw all my cares on my Heavenly Father and prayed for His
direction. I knew I was trying to figure out my future and it was wearing me out!
When I got out of the shower I lay on my bed sobbing and I prayed for the Lord to calm
my anxious heart. As always my ever present Heavenly Father came through for me and
led me to open one of my favourite books " A Confident Heart" written by Renee Swope.
I found this verse written on one of the first pages. "But blessed are those who trust in the
LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. (Jer 17:7 NLT)"
I am so thankful for finding this verse. I feel as though the Lord is taking me on a new
journey. A journey that draws me closer to Himself and into His presence. A journey
that is taking me on a deeper level of trust with my Lord who holds my heart and my future
in the palms of His hands.
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