This is the story of how I found out I was pregnant and lost my pregnancy all within one appointment. Farewell my precious Candle Nut. I will see you in heaven along with my 3rd and 4th pregnancy losses Pine Nut and Macadamia Nut. Keep each other company and grow up together surrounded by His glory. I love you three. So very much. I'll see you all one day.
On Friday the 12th of July I went in to find out my blood test results from my new doctor. It was a very thorough blood test.
As the doctor read the results to me we discussed areas I needed to work on. I still had low iron, progesterone levels and vitamin D. Plus, maybe I could use a little more vitamin B12. She is a very thorough doctor. She is a Christian holistic women's doctor. I started seeing her to help me with my slow to rise iron levels and also to look into my health more thoroughly from a natural perspective.
Then suddenly she said in surprise "Your pregnant!" I gasped and said "I can't be, I can't be!".
Then there was a pause and she showed me the positive result on my blood test results. It was a Hcg hormone level of 20. With Pine Nut, my first miscarriage, I was only at level 11.
So for a brief moment in time I felt joy. I believed I might be still pregnant. It was like a candle of hope was lit in my soul.
Then about 30 seconds later she asked me "Why can't you be?" I told her "because I just had a normal period". Then she looked doubtful. Knowing my history of two other miscarriages we both looked at each other and knew. My fifth little one was gone. Then my candle was blown out.
I could hardly believe what I just heard. I felt like I had fallen and hit my stomach. I felt winded. As my little candle of hope blew out I felt as though all breaths were taken out of me.
My doctor asked me to bare with her as she read the rest of my blood test results. She had compassion in her eyes as I tried to talk with her with very little breath while recovering from being winded.
But she sounded like the Peanuts teacher. I was still in shock and all I could hear from her was "Wah, wah, wah, wah."
She put her hand on mine and asked if I was okay. Still trying to breath I shook my head to say no.
Then I burst into tears. I knew I had lost another precious little one. I know this third miscarriage was a repeat of my first one.
When I found some air I told her I was done. I was sick and tired of the disappointment. I had just waited a long 12 months to finally fall pregnant after just being diagnosed with secondary infertility. Then to finally discover I was pregnant and to realise 30 seconds later that I had lost another one, was too much. I rambled on and told her we "have family and friends in the USA and it gets more and more expensive the more kids you have. Plus I get stressed at times with my two. Maybe I'm just meant to have two kids. Nope that's it I'm done!"
I said this with great gusto. I was not yelling but I was annoyed at the situation. She was really understanding and said maybe it's not the best time to make those decisions. She did still believe there was hope for me to have more kids. Especially with the natural progesterone cream I was going to buy.
She had said before the pregnancy find and loss that my stress levels have probably caused my low progesterone. She like my other sweet doctor Erin looked wide eyed when I told her how incredibly stressful the last two years have been. It started right before we moved countries. When we arrived in Australia my husband lost his very nice job due to a visa delay. He was unemployed for three months. Right after we nearly ran out of savings he got a low paying job which he disliked for 16 months. In January of 2012 I had my first pregnancy loss, Pine Nut. In April of 2012 I had my second one, Macadamia Nut, my most drawn out and traumatic loss, which caused four hospital visits and severe anemia. Oh, and I had my Mum in the hospital with pneumonia. Now, after waiting for a year and praying for another baby, I have just suffered my third miscarriage!
I did not tell her I thought I would have a nervous breakdown over the stress of the move and the job loss. That was BEFORE the miscarriages!
Yikes ! Some things needed to change. My stress was causing all sorts of health issues. Not to mention digestive problems which the doc did get me onto a gluten-free diet.
So I left the docs with a heavy heart. I went over to my sweet homeschool friend Sandra's house who thankfully was watching my kids. She asked me how the appointment went. My face always tells all of how I'm feeling. I started to cry and tried to spell to her I had another miscarriage. Micah who is such a tender-hearted kid asked "what's wrong Mummy?". The second miscarriage broke his little heart. I knew I could not tell him right then. He had been praying for a baby brother.
I went to pick up Jeremy. I told him. He was probably worried something was really wrong with my health.
Later when we got home I asked Jeremy how he felt about the news. He said well it's kind of like someone telling you "Hey you have a long lost second cousin that you've never met. Then you say really? Then your told oh wait he's dead."
Sometimes I wish I could see it like him, but I still feel the loss so much. I am learning to be OK with that.
I sat in the car that night for over an hour feeling numb. I rang Marion from church and told her my sad news. I told her soon after I had my other two miscarriages. She listened to me and prayed with me.
She prayed and I agreed that some how the Lord would turn this around and make it beautiful.
I felt the Lord whisper into my numb, sad soul, He will make beauty out of the ashes.
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