Finding the courage to face my loss

 I have been feeling sad underneath all the busyness of moving back to my Country.  In September of 2011 my husband, two children and I moved back to Australia.  But I was not ok with feeling sad.  To be really honest being sad is not all that popular when you are trying to make new friends.  We have a few old friends but for the most part we have moved to a suburb in Northern Brisbane that I have never lived in before.  I have felt homesick for America.  I missed our family and friends.  Although I am Australian I have not lived in Australia for the past 7 years. 


Just a few days ago I discovered I was not pregnant. We are not really trying to have another baby, but it brought me back to a reality of my recent loss.  A loss I have found hard to accept. 


The end of January 2012 I miscarried my dear Pinenut.  A womb name we had already given to our child.  We always give a 'nut' name to our children when I am pregnant.  To give them special significance.  By not being pregnant it made the miscarriage seem more real.  I have been in denial about it.  I have told others.  Telling family was the hardest.  But I just could not seem to really accept it.  I have several blog drafts typed but I just could not seem to finish or publish them.  I signed Pinenut up on babycenter.com.  But I can not seem to cancel it.  I keep getting pregnancy emails and I delete them with a lump in my throat. Pinenut would be 8 weeks by now.  It has all felt like a bad dream.


  But I was not ok with feeling sad.  I feel like I should just push through it and be thankful for my two children.  I am thankful for my two children.  I love them dearly.  But I still miss Pinenut.  I love Pinenut too.


Pinenut was only 4 weeks gestation when I had the miscarriage.  I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks gestation by going to the doctor's for a check up.  So I have felt silly for being sad.  After all I did not even have a D and C.  I do not even know what it stands for.  I do know you go into the hospital and have the deceased fetus cleaned out of you.  I can not imagine what this must be like.  How incredibly sad it must be to have this procedure done.  I did not even have an ultrasound where I saw Pinenut. Nor did I experience the radiologist telling me there is no heart beat.  I did have an ultrasound but they could not see anything.


I felt silly until my sister in law who has sadly had 3 miscarriages herself gave me an e-book on the Empty Cradle.  I even felt like this book was not for me as I have two healthy children.  But I read it and found this beautiful verse in Isaiah 49:15 ''Can a woman forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb?''  OH MY GOSH!  I read this verse again and again.  I was not crazy for still feeling so attached to my Pinenut.  For feeling such a deep love for him or her the moment I found out I was pregnant.  I was not crazy for feeling a sense of loss.  I did have a loss of life.  I lost Pinenut, my third child.  A dear little loved one.  


Before I got the e-book I also found comfort in reviewing my Grief Share notes. From the handout on 'The Mourner's Bill of Rights' and 'Grief Delayed'.  I took a Grief Share class in my old church in 2009 after my 9 year old nephew died.  Grief Share is basically a support group for the bereaved. Chaplain Liz Danielsen, Pauline Everett, and Kelly Kern all greatly encouraged me through a beautiful ministry called Spiritual Care Support Ministries.


Pastor Terry from my New church, reminded me about giving myself permission to grieve.   Chaplain Liz also taught me this in the grief share class.  Grieving is being kind to yourself.  Joan from church said to me 'Be kind to yourself.  Moving is a grief.  You gave up a familiar social structure, a home that was familiar.  You left behind many loved family and friends.  Moving alone is right up there on the stress list.  Then on top of all that you had a miscarriage.'  Her advice was simple yet so needed.  It was very timely.

When I was 21 years old my father died on February 24th, 2002. I barely grieved his death.  I stuffed it way down deep inside my heart and decided that, well life goes on and you can not be sad all the time.  But the problem was I did NOT grieve, which hurt my heart.  I thought grieving was meant to be really short.  I felt guilty for taking 2 weeks off work.  I thought to grieve was to go into self pitty or to feel sorry for yourself.  I thought others would not like me or accept me anymore if I grieved.  I thought I would burden others by grieving.  Sadly,  I did know how to grieve.  


But I also learned through Grief Share, years later that grief is a very individual process and does not have a time limit.  The important thing is that you grieve and find the best way to grieve that helps you.  I also found out that if you do not grieve it will catch up with you and make future loss's even harder.  As you have to then grieve multiple losses. They will pile up on top of each other.  Chaplain Liz taught me that grieving is actually healthy.  She taught me that if you do not grieve it will will hurt your heart and cause you to be angry later on. Jesus himself said in Matthew 5:4  "How Blessed are they who mourn for it is they who will be comforted."   

So for me the best way to grieve Pinenut is to write.  I thought talking it out either on the phone or in person would help, as this helped me after the loss of my nephew.  But every grief really is different.  At the moment I have found comfort through expressing my loss on my blog.  This helps me the most right now.  As well as being around people who I know will love and accept me.  

Even in my grief I am blessed to have a church family that will accept me.  I have found nothing but kind support from my new Hope City Church family.  They have accepted my tears.  Watched my children while I went to the doctor's.  Brought me flowers.  Listened to me. Hugged me with all openness and sincerity.  They have not judged but instead so many have asked 'how can we help?'  Can we make any meals?  I have tears in my eyes as I type this.  They do not even know me or my family that well.  They have been such a family in the time we need family the most.


They have been true to the verse where He tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice AND to weep with those who weep Romans 12:15.  And through God's love, His word, church support and still SCSM support even from America. I am finding the courage to accept, embrace and move through my grief.  Which is leading me down the road to peace and joy.

My two little blessings,  gifts from heaven.

My wonderful man and I

My beautiful family