Since Mum has passed away, I've honestly had a hard time allowing my tears to flow freely.
It's not that I tried to stop myself from crying. I was somehow stuck in denial. Mum's permanent absence all just seemed so surreal. In many ways it still does.
Last week I had a HUGE fight with Jeremy. You know the kind that leaves your heart hurting and wondering what in the world happened. These fights do not come around too often. But they sure do leave your heart aching afterwards, as well as your head and whole body really. I screamed at him. I felt awful later on.
After our fight I fell apart. Uncontrollably sobbing with my whole body heaving. It was almost like vomiting out tears. You can not stop your body from forcing yourself to vomit. I went over to a corner and huddled myself into a tight ball. At times I collapsed on the floor crying on my hard wood floor. I could not stop. An overdue mound of grief came flowing out like a waterfall during a flood. I sobbed for well over an hour. I did the same after my Dad died. I cried and sobbed so loudly the neighbours came over to give me a hug. Bless them. Yet this extreme sobbing took place right after my Dad's funeral. For my Mum it did not come until six months after I buried her.
Jeremy took the kids out. I told him to leave, still angry with him. Not that it was his fault. Both kids tried to give me cards or offer hugs but I just could not respond to them or to anyone. This hurt their hearts and confused them. I hugged, explained and apologized to them later. I felt bad for them, but right then, I had to let my emotions take over my body and let it all out.
I was so worried about our dreadful fight that I rang my dear friend Janene. While Still crying yet no longer sobbing, I began to calm down. I was honestly afraid Jeremy left me with the kids and took their American born citizen selves back to the USA and left my sobbing, angry, irrational at times Australian butt back in Australia where I belonged. Janene was able to comfort and encourage me and even got me laughing at myself. Helping me to visualize police coming after me with dart guns to calm me down. I love her for that. She hears my heart, does not judge yet can get me laughing at the end of it all. We've been friends since we were teenagers and she knows about all of my embarrassing, lovely and ugly and all the in between about me.
Jeremy and I were fighting over immigration and the process of me regaining my green card. I did not become a US citizen so we may have to start the whole lengthy, expensive process all over again for me to become a resident of the US once more. We had just a few days prior chosen to go back to the USA in October or November, this year. I had felt good about this decision. There were a lot of things to look forward too. Fall, my favorite American season, Thanksgiving, a Winter Christmas, snow. Time with our American family, which includes more support for the kids providing many baby sitters to choose from, dear Friends. We even get to buy a house in Virginia for the first time with the inheritance money from my mothers house.
Yet my heart felt stressed and tense. As much as I want to go to the USA to be with many much loved American family and friends. I am finding it hard to muster up the strength to say goodbye to my own country, my Australian family and friends, our church, not to mention all our much loved six animals whom we have become so very attached too. Especially my Mums 4 animals. Caring for them and holding them has been an incredible comfort to the kids and I. You just can't replace them. They are family. There is something so healing about holding the animals my Mum last handled and loved. It is the closest thing I have to touching her now that she is gone.
I do want to move back to the USA. I am just not sure I am ready to say another round of goodbyes. I am not sure my heart can handle that yet.
I have this deep seated desire within the core of my soul to feel safe, settled and still while I am grieving the loss of my Mother.
A few days later I spoke with my grief counselor Chaplain Liz Danielson. Who tenderly reminded me this outburst of emotion was normal. It has to come out somewhere she told me after I shared that I had not cried much since Mum had died. It's good for it to come out she gently reminded me. Even if I don't like being out of control.
Then the next day I went to make a cup of tea and I remembered having many a cup of tea with Mum over the year's. Cups of teas are some my most treasured and precious memories I hold of my Mother. I could almost hear her voice calling out "do you want a cup of tea Catherine? I baked some bikes too". I could almost hear her kettle boiling. I could picture her in my mind. A scene I had lived so many times before in my old house. All cozy and warm next to her wood stove.
I still hear her voice in my mind's eye. It is so vivid, imprinted on my heart. It's like I actually hear her out loud. Many of her sayings of comforting predictability that once embarrassed me.
Boy I miss having a cup of tea with her by her cosy wood stove
"Yet now it's all gone". I found myself proclaiming honestly out loud.
"I want her back, I want it all back. My Mum, my old home, cups of tea with her, her home baked bikes, the wood stove."
Then my tears came out. And I let them. It's All been stored up inside and it felt incredibly relieving to let them flow freely.
It is good for my kid's to see me cry. It gives them permission to grieve too. Not just for my mother's loss, their Gran, but for their future losses yet to come. It is good to demonstrate to them how to be kind to yourself when your heart is aching. Rather than trying to stuff down their pain and "fake fine". As I've sadly learned to do myself in my past.
My kid's are also learning empathy. Micah came and gave me hugs and asked if I was ok. Lucy drew me a picture with love hearts saying she wishes Gran was still alive too. On her card she asked me if I would like a hug, with a huge back to front question mark. She was checking first after my sobbing outburst a few days where I had to reject all hugs.
Lucy told reminded me Gran is happy in heaven now. I reminded Lucy and myself Gran has no more pain. She is with our other heavenly loved one's. But we still miss her.
I cried and cried and it felt so good. These are the grief triggers I appreciate. It's not so easy when the tears well up at church after singing an old hymn that reminds me of Mum. I tend to want to hide tears in a group of people.
Yet thankfully, I feel safe being vulnerable at home. I love my family for that. I live surrounded by my trusted loved one's. Where I am able to receive much love and comfort from my kid's husband and animals.
So I have decided to intentionally cry. Not that I need to force myself to cry. But I long to cry. I need to cry. I want to cry. I cried the next day over a beautiful worship song, making up for holding back lost tears at church.
I feel so much better after I cry. So free and relieved as if a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders with every tear I shed.
So here's to more tears. No shame or holding back for me. No way. No how.
No comments:
Post a Comment