The day came exactly one month after My Mum passed away.
It seemed to soon, yet oddly a relief. I knew she was in heaven. No longer suffering but gees I missed her.
Having Christmas day in her house without her felt so different. More empty.
It was a day she would have loved. We woke up to it being a rainy misty, cold Mountain day. Well reasonably cold for summer. I had a light jacket on and I did not need to open any windows. It was the kind of day Mum would have delighted in. She always hated the summer. Me too. I too am not a fan of the heat. Like her, I love the rain. I love the cosy feeling of being together inside.
We spent time reading the bible together as a family. Then we opened presents. That were spread underneath Mum's totally non-fancy, Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It was our last time with that funny old tree that Mum always wanted simply because the tree was real.
Ordinarily we would have gone to church like I used to as a little girl. Church before presents I was always taught. But I did not feel like being in a crowded building. Not while my heart was grieving. I wanted a shorter, smaller service. So we decided to go to Roslyn Lodge. It was where Mum was when she died.
But getting out the door was tougher than I thought. My feet moved slow. My heart hurt. I missed Mum. I really missed her. I kept looking at the wood stove hoping to light it and had to remind myself that Mum was not here. It was not the same without her, and besides I had already given away all the wood.
Finally I got out the door, my family waiting in the car. I was flustered at running late. In the misty fog I backed to car into the wheelie bins hitting the side mirror. Grrr. I got mad. Jeremy had to fix it. I just could not seem to think straight. Grief will do that I've been told.
Thankfully the mirror snapped right back into place. It was made to bend. Probably for drivers who may be having a hard day like myself.
We got to Roslyn Lodge. I was expecting it to be comforting. To feel a little closer to Mum. Or at least to where she had last been. But it all made me feel sad. The music she would have loved, Frank White, the Nursing home chaplain who Mum loved gave a beautiful service, Mum would have said. The tree looked pretty, there were drawings of kids from our old Primary School, Saint Bernards. Mum, my brother and I all went to the same school. Mum would have liked that too.
My first really happy Christmas moment was when a lady came up to us with her little dog. Animals are so comforting to me. Not just because Mum loved them, but because they do not expect anything from you. They are ok if you are still sad. They will not be dissapointed or seem it. They are just as Mum said "You always know where you are with your animals". She got that right! They are incredibly uncomplicated.
Then it happened. Something I was hoping to avoid. Somebody came up, who knew me well and said "I hope you have a really happy Chrsitmas".
It hurt. I wanted to hang out with that uncomplicated little dog instead. I wanted no expectaions and I strongly took her wishing I'd have a joy filled day as an expectation.
I then politely argued with her that it was only a month since Mum died and I was not really anticipating my Christmas to be "happy". She seemed surprised. I reminded her that I was sure she did not just snap out of it when her Mum died. She too had lost both her parents. She then went on to say that Mum was in a better place. Oh my...where did that dog go??
I told her I knew that but, I was ok with not being ok right now. That grief is a beautiful thing right. Doesn't the bible say blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted?! She went on to say the funeral was lovely that I spoke so well. Yes all true.
Finally she agreed I would miss Mum and of course it is hard going thorugh all her things. Finally, she was beginning to remember what it is like. All of it. The sadness, the beauty, the pain.
But I was already grumpy. It was hard to talk to tohers without being defensive. I really should have hung out with that little dog. I am sure she meant well. It had just been many years since she had lost both ehr parents and she maybe forgot how little time it had been since my Mum passed.
We got home and I grumbled to Jeremy who tried to help me not hold grudges or be offended. But I was still really grumpy. I fed the kids and took a look at them in their simple joy of the day. It lifted my spirits.
Later that day my brother and family came up. That was really my highlight. Trish and Syd understood me. Especially my brother Syd. He had just told me the day before he dropped his eldest daughter off and noticed the Mountain driving home. Of course reminding him of Mum and how much he missed her. We laughed, we remembered, we enjoyed each other.
My two year old niece Charlotte, is my shadow. We are very close. We had fun together. She melts my heart. It was lovely to have Trish's parents with us too. Since none of the rest of us had any parents with us. Apart form the kids of course.
In fact we had such a precious time I forgot to take pictures.
It really pays to be with people who know and love your Mum and much as you do when your heart is hurting. They really are the only ones who truly "get it". It is then that your own pain is somehow lifted simply because it is shared.
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