To watch her go slowly

Two days ago my dear Mum went back into hospital. I recommended it. It was during a phone call to her  and after hearing her sound so badly I told her to ring the ambulance. She lives alone and she could not stay home feeling like that.

My Mum was diagnosed with emphysema, in 2012. It's more commonly known in the medical world as COPD. She also has osteoporosis, early heart failure and stage 3 kidney disease.

My mother was born with an enlarged oesophagus. Over time her throat has gotten larger and larger which eventually lead to her food spilling over into her lungs causing damage over time. Back in the 1936, the year she was born it was unable to be fixed. Now a days it can be fixed at birth with a simple operation.

This is not the first time to hospital for her. In fact this winter has been rather tough. She has gone in and out many times. This is her 4th or 5th time into either the Gold Coast University Hospital or Beaudesert.

My family and I are about to visit her tomorrow. My heart feels anxious in anticipation. Yet I have a peace in my heart. The Lord is with us and I have prayed into this situation. He has taken care of much already. Including care of her chooks and cat. Thanks to her neighbour Sharon.

My Mum is a fighter. A mighty woman all on the inside of a small frame. We have watched her beat the doctors odds many many times. In fact she was told she would not live past 21 nor have kids due to being so sick as a child. Well here I am to live and blog about her victory over that doc's report!

Yet she is deteriorating as my sweet sister in-law Trish says. Who just happens to be a nurse. With every chest infection it weakens her already frail lungs. She really is existing on one and 1/4 lungs.

Sadly, it is her birthday this coming Monday. We were hoping to visit her in her own home and throw her a party. She will be turning the BIG 80! I was imagining visiting her in her own home looking something like this. The good old days.

All happy and cozy with her grandkids and books. Possibly with her beloved Wood Stove going in the background if it happens to be a cold Mountain evening. She was even going to be with her two sisters. After all only Mum, Aunty Shirl, Aunty Flo are left out of the once was six kids in Mum's family.

I was also expecting Something like this. Mum happy besides her Wood Stove.

With every trip to the hospital, and as my kids are getting older they have been wondering for years now..is Gran about to die? They have seen the ambulance come and go that many times. One if the hardest hospital visits for Micah was this one. June, 2014. My kids were just 4 and 6. 

Micah, being a smart kid, asked if Gran was going to die on our way to visit her. He seemed quite upset by how sick she looked. He asked this while we were walking past the cemetery, conveniently situated next to the hospital, as my brother joked. Micah overheard the joking and put two and two together. He looked curioulsy into the cemetery and noticed a bunch of people standing around holding balloons. "Look Mummy, they are having a party!" He said, sounding delighted. I burst his bubble. "No, they are having a funeral". "What's that?" He asks. "Well, its to say goodbye to someone when they die. See that is the coffin, which is the box holding the dead person and they will lower that into the ground." Gulping as I said that. I remember thinking did I explain too much? Knowing he would try ask many questions I tried to answer them all in advance. Well maybe I said too much. Suddenly his little light bulb turned on. "I don't want Gran to DIE! Not Gran! She is not going to die in this hospital!!" He yelled. I knew exactly how he felt. I felt the same. Quietly I answered, "I hope not. Lets pray she gets better." That comforted his anxious heart a little. But with every visit he looked more and more nervous. He was relieved when she made it through and although she went to respite for 5 weeks after that, she did not die. And eventually returned home.

Just the other night, at the same tender, yet big enough to get it age of six, Lucy asked the same question. Just in a different way. I had just put her to bed and appologised for taking too long. I explained that I was talking with the ambulance lady.  Then came that old, sad familiar question Micah asked at her age. "Is Gran going to die?" "One day I said". Then she said "How come Gran is not going to live till 100 like her friend?" Once again I was caught off guard and once again I knew exactly how she felt. Thinking to myself, I always thought my Mum would live that long. After all my Nana and my Great grand mother lived till 96 and 100. Surely Mum would too. Finally I told her "Not everyone lives that long, only a few do". "That would be nice if she did". I tucked her in and kissed her goodnight and that was it.

I think next time they bring it up I am going to tell them I am feeling and thinking the same thing. It's good to be real. We are in this together.

Speaking of real. I am going to try and be more real with my grief. Especially with those who truly listen well and not try to push my grief aside. I have had many say, "Well she's lived a good life" and "It will happen to all of us someday" and "Just enjoy the time you have left with her".

Ummm. Thanks Captain Obvious! I don't mean to be rude but REALLY!?! This is not, nor will ever be helpful words to myself or to my family who are watching my Mum go slowly.

There have been some people say some very comforting beautiful words like "Be kind to yourself", and "It's ok to be sad, she is your Mum and I am sure you will miss her". Also, "I can't imagine what that is like, I'd be sad to see my Mum sick". Or "I'm sure it is a precious, yet sad time. I'm so glad you came back to Australia to be with her".

It's those words I try to hold onto. Not so much the former ones that honestly make me want to bottle up my grief which is never healthy and sadly I did that after my Dad passed away.

So off we go to the hospital tomorrow. My brother just visited her and she is looking much better. I spoke with her on the phone and she is sounding more like herself.

Yep. Like I said she is a fighter!