A letter to a school for bullied children, in England.

Dear Northleigh House School,

A few months ago I came across a beautifully written article about your school in the English Women's Weekly. The article caught me by surprise and touched my heart in the deepest parts. This is because I too was a victim of bullying. I too was like the girl you described in the article, not looking people in the eye and permanently looked at the floor. I had often wondered if anyone else acted this way.  I even stopped talking to most people for a long time. Most believed I was just quiet or shy but it was far deeper than that.

I was bullied and teased for 20 years straight.  Starting at age 3, by my older brother and friends. I continued to be a target for bullying in primary school, high school and from community kids. Finally, I was bullied by a church pastor and church leaders. It wasn't until I was 23, when I broke away from that church and joined a safe and loving church, that the bullying stopped.

My brother, who is ten years older than I, would pop balloons in my face. Often, with a few friends by his side, they held my body upside down over a toilet, threatening to flush my head. Together they would push me on my tricycle through bushes and rough terrain and take my beloved attachment item, 'Sheepie,' and throw it on the roof or road. This would leave me crying and screaming while they ran off laughing. 

Thankfully, I went through only one experience of physical bullying. In primary school, I was dragged around the cement by another student, leaving my legs scraped up. I had almost forgotten about this incident until recently, which shows how inaccurate that ridiculous saying is: "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.”

My first high school was the worst. After admitting to the top bully that I was friends with a girl she picked on, she single-handedly spread my unpopular reputation throughout the rest of the year 8 classes. Most of year 8 I was teased relentlessly and almost beaten up a couple of times. Finally, towards the end of one hard day I sat off to the side during sports, not wanting to join in. A football was thrown at my head possibly on accident, but I lost it and I ran to the office crying.

That night I almost gave up. I wanted to die. Suicide seemed my only way out. I had a plan in place and I was seriously considering following through with it. My plan was to overdose on pain killers.

Then I cried out in a desperate prayer to God. He answered and gave me the idea to go and tell a church friend across the road which I did. I poured my heart out on her and her husband. They listened whole heartedly and came with me the next day to the Principal's Office.

A few weeks later I joined a new church. At first, in my brokenness and dangerously low self esteem, they loved me and embraced me. The next year I also switched High Schools and although I was not popular and still got teased by kids I grew up with, it was a much better school.

Yet, after about a year, my Pastor began to corner me and tell me what she believed was wrong with me and needed to be corrected. She was controlling, hard and mean.  Her words crushed my spirit and planted tormenting thoughts in my mind that followed me into adulthood. I believed every word of it. Although there were loving people in that church, the pastor was able to enlist other leaders in overly correcting me, further shattering my spirit.

Even though the bullying stopped at age 23, the lasting effects have harmed my self worth, self talk and confidence. I have struggled with self rejection for so many years. I have had reoccurring rejection nightmares and have suffered from PTSD. There have been many times I'd be out at the shops with my kids and a group of laughing teenagers would walk by. They were not laughing at me but the memories would rush back nonetheless. My hands would start to sweat or shake. My heart would start beating fast. I could barely concentrate on my kids, much less what I had come to the shops for in the first place. One time my son broke my anxious thoughts and asked 'are you OK Mummy?'

I've struggled with social anxieties, finding groups really frightening. I've gone into many group scenarios feeling the "fight or flight" panic wash over me, fearing rejection or humiliation once again. I've found it hard to truly trust others and making friends has been a challenge. Despite how great my church is, attendance has been a challenge due to fear of either judgement or rejection.

Eventually, I began to realise the damage that had been done and what it was doing to me still. It hit me most one day when I accidentally locked my kids and I out of the house.  I saw my five year old daughter cry over her baby doll that was still inside. God spoke to my heart that day and assured me that I was worth more than how I was treated and that He never planned for the bullying to happen. So, with my daughter, I knelt down and hugged her on the dirt outside her window, reassuring her that it would be OK. I fully felt her pain and grasped onto my own pain from the past. I could never imagine anyone treating her the way I had been treated. 

I began seeing a wonderful Christian counsellor shortly before this and with God's loving strength, I've learned to turn my pain into purpose.  I now choose to surround myself with a healthy set of 'close friends'.  I attend a loving church family with healthy leadership who truly care about you rather than try to control you. I am married to a wonderfully kind man and I have 2 beautiful children, aged 5 and 7. My brother and his friends and I now have a great relationship. 

When I visit my hometown I sometimes bump into past childhood bullies.  They have grown into respectful people whom I enjoy conversing with. I've learned to show love when it was not given. I've learned to smile and accept before I know it will be reciprocated. I've learned to forgive, mostly without even a hint of an apology. One church leader from my past has even apologised for how she treated me. 

My kids are kind hearted, compassionate kids and although they are not in any way perfect, nor am I, they know that excluding, meanness, teasing and bullying is never OK or acceptable, even between each other. They are quick to recognise it and stand up against it. My kids have chosen and have been blessed by precious friends who build them up and stick faithfully by their side. This alone has been incredibly healing for me to watch.

Today, I am a new woman. I truly like who I am. And although I still struggle at times with social anxieties and occasionally feel down, depression no longer consumes me. Anxiety no longer keeps me home. I have found the courage to hold my head high with absolute confidence. With this new outlook on life I have found much freedom and hope to overcome my past. I've found joy in joining into groups again. I don't even mind if laughing teenagers happen to walk by.

I am keen to share my story of hope and encouragement to others who are suffering from the harmful and long lasting effects of bullying.  I understand what it's like to be treated as a geek, a loser, or one at the bottom of the popularity chain. I am in the process of writing my story into a book in hopes that sharing my story with others who have also been bullied will find hope for the future as I have. Please feel free to use my story to encourage others, at your discretion.

I believe God is leading me towards helping people who have been bullied. Sharing my story is my first step. I hope to visit friends in England and Scotland within the next six months. If I do, it would be an honour to come by your school and meet you. I am so proud of the work you are doing to restore young lives that have been damaged by bullying.

Thank you kindly for taking the time to read my story. I hope to meet you soon.

Sincerely,

Catherine Soehnlin