Today is three years and one day since I typed this. It was so hard to post this at the time. One year and one month after I typed this I sadly had a third miscarriage. Whom I called Candle Nut.
Today I'm doing so much better. I still have two kids on earth. But I'm content. No longer longing for more, yet still praying about the possibility.. Sometimes. I'm ok with just not knowing.
It's so good to be on the other side. Yet I long for the Lord to use my pain to bring comfort to others. To share his hope that it does get easier. The pain will never leave but it becomes easier to manage. I have grown closer to the Lord than I ever have before.
If you're reading this and your heart is aching know the Lord is your ever present help, your comforter. Bring him your whole heart, all your pain. He longs to carry you through along side your grieving heart. He loves you and He cares. He truly does. More than anyone else will.
Dear God, Thursday May 3rd, 2012
I have not written a letter to you for a very long time. Yesterday I was so mad. Mad at you for the loss of my fourth baby Macadamia Nut. Mad at you for the loss of my third baby Pine Nut.
I got mad at my son. When I went to give him his peanut butter and jelly sandwich I felt mad that he kept needing me and angrily dropped his plate on the floor, which broke everywhere. Then I shut the door, he was outside. So he could not see me mad anymore. As he walked around crying outside, I stomped around crying inside and I am SO sorry. My heart was so broken I wanted to walk away from myself. I wanted to run away from the pain of loosing 2 babies and from the fear of facing people in my pain. I wanted to run away from the pain of my past 8 months. And it breaks my heart when I throw something or slam a door. PLEASE heal me. You promised I am a new creation and that you will be my deliverer. You said though the righteous fall 7 times yet will he rise again.
I HATE my anger, and although I am grieving I do not want it to hurt my family. I know I will never hurt them physically, but I do not want to hurt them emotionally. I grew up with that kind of pain and it has to STOP there...in the past! Please Holy Spirit remind me when I am about to reach my limit and that I need to put my daughter in her bed and my son in his room. I have told Micah when Mummy seems to be getting mad to tap me gently on the arm and remind me to go into my bedroom to the prayer chair and pray. I do not get mad very often. Sometimes life gets on top of me and it is all too much. Life is too much right now and I need you Father with every breath. I am completely and totally desperate for you.
THANK YOU Father that this morning in bed when I found it hard to get up you still loved me. I was so hard on myself about yesterday but your mercies are still new every morning. My husband said last night to worship you today. I put on the Hillsong Blessed CD. The same song you used to help me trust you with conceiving Micah. The same song you used when I was single to encourage me I will one day have a husband. You sure answered those prayers! Again, today it touched my heart. The 4th song, Made Me Glad. I am Blessed Father as like the song says I will bless you Lord forever and trust you at all times. Thanks that you have delivered me from all fear. You have set my feet upon a rock. I will not be moved and I'll say of the Lord you are my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer, my shelter, strong tower and my very present help in time of need. THANK YOU Father for these precious promises in your word! Whom have I in heaven, there is none I desire besides you!
Then another song played, #8 Magnificent, which touched my heart again... as I type this with tears in my eyes the words of the song sing... who compares to you, who set the stars in their place, you who calm the raging seas that came crashing over me, You are magnificent eternally, wonderful glorious Jesus! No one ever will compare to you Jesus. WOW your timing is perfect God. Thank you for touching my heart with these 2 precious songs.
Thank you for the prayer Marion prayed over me yesterday. Thanks Marion, YOU are a blessing! Thank you Father for her acceptance of me when I told her I think I need to go to the mental hospital. I feel crazy. She prayed a prayer of peace over my home and today my home is peaceful. I know this has a lot to do with Mummy being peaceful. Thank you Father that my kids are peaceful. THANK YOU Father for my two precious children here on earth. Micah is outside sweeping after he saw me sweeping the kitchen and asked how he can help. He is working really hard and I am so proud of him. He melts my heart. He then asked to weed and is walking around with scissors snipping plants. Lucy is pushing a truck around in the back yard and is chatting to the truck. She makes me smile. She is also trying to fit flowers into the back of the truck, so cute, even though she is playing with a boy toy she still has to girlify it.
Thank you Father you know my hearts desires for more children. Thank you that you are still good. Help me to walk closely with you and not run away from you when I am hurting and confused. Thank you that in my weakness I am strong in you, so right now I boast about my weaknesses because my strength STINKS! I need you and every bit of you. I can NOT be a good Mummy, wife or homemaker without you. Thank you that you turn my ashes into beauty and help me to hold onto that promise.
Thank you Father you turn ashes into beauty. Please use my story to bless and comfort other women who have lost babies. You wanted me to be a chaplain for assisting individuals in crisis. Honestly this is far beyond my understanding why you called me into this delicate type of ministry. My American badge sits in my hand bag and it is scary. I am the one in crisis so much lately. Please increase my compassion for others. You know I am a basket case in crisis myself so please help me to reach out to others who fall apart in crisis. We all fall apart in some way but my way is so obvious. But I pray you use this for your glory.
Also Father please help me to face my fears of going to church. Thank you for our church family who like their name says have brought to much HOPE to our family during our last 6 months of brokenness, of job loss, homesickness for America and from to one miscarriage after the other. I need you so much. I am afraid of falling apart in a crowd. But please help me to be humble enough and brave enough to go. Tears are from you. You created them and they bring so much healing and stress relief. So help me not to be embarrassed of my tears.
Finally thank you Father for your forgiveness. Thank you for your promise in 1 John 1:9 which says If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I do not take that lightly and I thank you for your forgiveness. You are so Good and I love you so very much.
I love you Father,
Your daughter Catherine
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